over sand and under sun

If I look for it, it won't come,
I tense up, my mind goes numb
there's nothing harder
than learning how to receive...

Calm down, be still
There's plenty of time to kill
No handwriting on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all

I don't know what happened, but I feel extremely unwell. Something shifted.

I'm terrified, I have the very faintest idea what it could mean, but I have no idea how it happened. It can't happen when you're alone. I'm too old... it's something else, but I'll be damned if I know what.

I'm 42, damn it, I'm too old to feel things shifting inside me...

I wish I had died 8 years ago at Cormallen.

kill me, break me, make me fall
crush my heart, force me to crawl
show me love was never real
the weight is worth the pain you feel

Dear God, if you answer prayers, just let me die.


I miss you I love you I want you I'm sorry I still need you please don't leave me here alone

In the ancient fashion of both my peoples, I will tell you a tale of who I am. Come young and old, sit by my fire and break bread beneath my tent, share the hospitality of the Southern sun, or sit at my table and drink a pint in my company, and I will tell you of journeys long ago begun.

I am Captain Karigan, an errand-rider of Gondor. I have ridden for stewards and kings, I have worn the silver and green livery of Minas Tirith, I have worn the black and dust of the south. I have ridden the world, from the shadow of the tall trees of the darkest southern reaches, to the snow-white mountains on the edge of the civilized world above the Riddermark. I decide who stays and goes. I have filled in empty places on the map.

I am Lady Karigan, a noblewoman of the Lebannin province. I hold a seat of representation in the courts of Minas Tirith. I am a diplomat of Gondor. I have brokered treaties and peace. I have entertained foriegn lords and dined with kings.

I am Azraôdulgî, the daughter of a witch of Umbar. The blood of corsair kings ruins in my veins, and the southern sun does not burn my skin. I am cursed, a black mark stands on my head. I have worn the veils of the south, I have known the days of endless sun and seen the mark of the Eye. I am of the South.

I am أم, Mother. I foster three children, none of whom were born to me but all of whom are mine; Aya and Timoran of the south, and Aelfwina of the Mark. I have been a mother since last year.

I am a bond, a muse, a system maintainer. I take care of system business. I breed and train errand-horses and racing lines. I am an old hand to this place, one of the first. This is home. This has been home for 5 years. I live and love, and someday I will die, here.

I am Karigan, and this is my book of days, and these are the tales of my life.

Entries in this journal are being filtered to private and I am revamping for new use.

- Captain Karigan